Being Immersed
Rebecca Young
Coming from a physically active course to university was a big shock to the system. Instead of doing 6 hours a day of dance I had to adapt 4 hours a week. oh great, I'd traded in my passion for reading about it. not exactly what I was looking for at all. The lectures were stimulating but I wanted things to be the way they were. I wanted to wake up every day and look forward to it, to sit on the seat nearest to the door so I could get to the studios to begin reliving my passions every day. I enjoy, no, even love the feeling of working hard, sweating and pushing your body to its limits. To be creative. To be around people who were open and kind. Making dances. Performing. The further away I became from that hope the more I began to give up on the academia. I started to give up on myself. Dance is my passion and by going into higher education I thought I would be in my element, with people like me who were passionate and creative, different and fun. Instead I found myself struggling to engage with the course. people seemed to click right away. All the same breed of people. Academics. People who were good at writing about dance, who had 2 hours a week of practical and 6 hours per week in total. How can that ever be enough? Makes me appreciate what training I had before I came here. i felt like a loner in the playground. To want something so much and to then realise that it is nothing like you expected was painfully difficult. it was a difficult time, like the song says, and my feelings asked me 'should I stay or should I go?' This was indeed a very tricky situation, but in order for me to have the chance to teach dance as a living this is something I had to do.
By the time came, I had begun to face the facts that I was regressing in my technique and fitness levels, and that I would never get to be a performer. A new and exciting opportunity came up in one of my modules. I could do 5 performances of anything I wanted to, and from that my best 3 scores would be accounted for towards my grade. I've never been so happy about anything on this course since I've been here. I get to go to rehearsals, create and develop ideas. I get be in my ideal working environment, what more could a girl ask for? with any rehearsal period problems arise between characters, but at the end of it all when I was on stage I thought to myself with a smug smile 'this is it'. All the hassle of the other stuff was completely and utterly worth it. By being on a course where practice over writing and then going into a course which is the complete opposite turned my world upside down. I tried, got angry, felt very isolated, cried until there were no more tears at times. I struggled with every part of my being to just keep afloat. The feeling of working hard like i had been used to was great, but the feeling of accomplishing this in an environment where my strengths had become my weaknesses was amazing. I felt so alive for that time I was on stage. when I walked into the dressing room it was as if I was back to reality. back to books over dance, back to lectures, back to feeling submerged by stress and pressure not to fail. Back to having blurred vision as to why I'm here. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Although university hasn't been my ideal experiences or situations to be in i have learnt so much. In a way by feeling in the dark about a lot of things makes you want to keep your inner light shining. Not just to lighten a dark situation, but to make your light and inner passions seem brighter than ever. The need to keep this light alive became essential to my success and motivation. Its difficult to keep that light on sometimes. It flickers and runs low on fuel. Sometimes I feel like there's just darkness, but when i was creating and performing my work on stage this dark place was so bright and beautiful. Almost blinding.
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