Finding Me
Manmit Rahis
The word ‘immersed’ can mean going through various emotions, searching deeper for answers to questions such as ‘what’, ‘why’ and ‘when’. My experience is a reflection of these questions that has allowed me to truly understand who I am.
I have been a student at the University of Surrey since September 2004. My years leading up to this, involved searching, questioning and understanding education, but not myself, as I never truly had the opportunity to immerse in finding more about me as a person than merely the identity of a student. This opportunity came as part of my degree programme which included participation in a placement year.
My placement year began at a company called ‘Quantum tm’, who are involved in providing marketing and sales services to many of the well-known companies such as IBM. It was this very catch phrase that caught the student’s attention inside me and resulted in the year of experience for that I am now so thankful. It was not until a few months of the placement had passed by, that I realised something: my identity as a student was no longer prominent in defining my contribution. I was an individual, working within a firm, whose actions defined every success or failure that was to come.
During my placement year, I was selected to take part in the, ‘Future Stars Leadership Programme’ an initiative started by the company’s Managing Director. The programme was an 11 week, off the job course, with the primary aim of brining learnt theory into practice. The set up of the course included weekly board room meetings, with the chosen 14 participants and the company’s Business Excellence Team. We were informed that through discussions, reports, and group work (that would take place at every session), individual’s effort, and achievements would be scored. The person with the highest score at the end of the course would win a company weekend trip.
The first week started and with all the excitement, I remember going into the board room wondering what I had let myself into. As the weeks progressed, the work got more demanding and time consuming. Our weekly assignments meant that a lot of preparation had to be done outside working hours and with our own initiative to develop. I have been told at times, that I embrace a very competitive soul, that it takes a mind of its own when I am in a competitive environment. I had, therefore, decided prior to accepting a place, that this programme would have to mean more than just winning in terms of scores, I had to accomplish something else, like; my presentation skills, working with strong personalities and so on.
Although I knew what I had decided, the programme started and things remained the same. Every one of us was encouraged to bring the best that we could to the table, to fight for the scores, to show we had it. Before I knew it, my entire focus was on just those scores, until I sat with my team leader to understand why this learning felt so empty. It was like every week I was taking on board new knowledge, a way of implementing it practically and yet it didn’t feel important or of value. I guess the answer was pretty obvious; I had not opened up completely to what this experience could do for me. My conversation with my team leader, made at least one thing clear to me, this programme now had a different direction and a different goal that I needed to achieve. Moreover, it would be for personal reasons, for self identification. My goal was no longer to reach the maximum scores, but to take that something away from each session that I knew made me better in one way or another.
From then onwards, I felt as if with every step I took, I was able to better understand myself, my motives and what really affected me in life. My work was the centre of what I did nothing else mattered. The experience of being so involved in a situation, where the concept of time and effort were no longer quantifiable aspects, made me feel happy yet left me slightly confused. It’s like a rush of some sort, where you don’t have enough time to stand and reflect on what is happening or what you are going to do. On the other hand, you have to be calm and collected, if you are going to remain focused. One could say it’s like a marathon, a slow marathon, where there is a clear finish point, a struggle in the journey and a phase where you cut off from everything else except the race that you are in.
I guess if you do compare it to a marathon, then there are always seconds in the minds of those who participate, wondering if they truly have what it takes to succeed. I went through that too, times when I didn’t want to be a part of the programme anymore, when it got a bit too much to handle. However, what astonished me was how this experience was making me feel. As much as I wanted to stop, like the person running, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t quit, I couldn’t disengage myself and leave. I don’t think that I still know why I just couldn’t do that, maybe a sub-conscious belief system or maybe the feeling that you get so involved in something, that the way out is just not an option. Instead, your mind keeps thinking, how to make things better, how to reach your goal successfully, and then when you do, there is this strong positive feeling that you get.
An example of this is times when I was leavingthe office at 11pm at night, and yet, instead of feeling tired, I had a sense of self power. I had never been so involved in an aspect of work, that I lost all perspective of everything else. My focus, determination, and engagement with the work were as such that my actions and my being were to ensure that I reached my goals, without giving up. This is when I realised something that I didn’t know before, I realised how much any work I took part in, meant to me. A disappointment or failure at work affected me on an emotional level as well; it would knock my self confidence down and increase any doubts I had in terms of my abilities to succeed.
The challenge helped me to not only grow in terms of developing myself professionally but on a personal level, there were a number of changes. Having been through the experience, I was able to have a clearer perspective of differentiating between aspects such as criticism of work versus criticism of oneself, what winning is or can mean to different people and the best lesson of all, improvement happens when you engage.
Once the programme finished, I made sure I knew what I learned wasn’t a waste. I liked how the experience made me feel, I had this sense of accomplishment that I wanted again, however, I knew that some changes would be necessary. I had to come up with a way of letting myself be engaged in experiences, but also having the ability to exercise control over it. The line which dictated when being involved crossed over to the experience taking precedence over everything else. Since then I have been working to implement this control and though it is working, it will be a long time before the art is mastered, unfortunately.
To me, being immersed means getting lost in something that you value, to the point where you lose all other focus. The emotions are endless; you go through stress, a feeling of being uncomfortable and not in control when things get difficult. At the same time, any positive success or accomplishment brings pride, self belief and a feeling of empowerment. It affects you emotionally, physically (draining and tiring) and intellectually.
If I was to compare all what being ‘immersed’ means to me, and say when else I have experienced it, then I guess it’s during the last few days before every exam, assignment and project has its deadline. It does not mean that I am not involved beforehand; just that the involvement is so heightened during this, there is no separation between the work, and me.
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