A Wall of Quantum Physics
Julia Cox
The immersion process through which a confusing or challenging new situation is faced I feel is somewhat similar to the process in which a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.During development, the caterpillar is encased within a chrysalis and sealed off from the outside world. In a similar fashion the immersion process takes a person and effectively seals them off from the rest of the world by engulfing them in a temporarily confused state. Just as the caterpillar matures into a lovely butterfly, so the person undergoing an immersion process re-emerges with a new awareness bringing an additional layer of colour to their world view. But the caterpillar only does this once in a life cycle, whereas people, if they choose to, can go through repeated immersion experiences in their life.
Learning experiences in which I have found myself totally absorbed by a challenging situation have arisen not only in response to a difficult intellectual concept, but also due to new social, emotional and physical situations. A common feature of all immersive experience I have found is the hitting of the wall. University life has recently swamped and overwhelmed me in my largest intellectual learning experience ever, in part of which I am currently still embroiled. My wall was quantum physics.
Quantum physics
As I see it the wall appears when a situation arises which my current level of expertise does not equip me to deal with. I walked into my wall last year, during the second year of my research PhD when I had my transfer viva. For two years I had been avoiding the complicated theoretical background to the nuclear magnetic resonance technique I was using but during my transfer viva the thin veneer of understanding I had pasted over an actual total lack of knowledge was embarrassingly peeled off. Much worse than a plaster off a hairy arm. The situation was clear to me: my level of expertise was insufficient to carry me through my thesis; I either had to tackle quantum physics head on, or walk away from the PhD.
Like many other animals, I will avoid uncomfortable situations. There is a choice whether or not to tackle the wall and I guess the decision depends on how important it is to achieve the new level of expertise. I only decided to get to grips with quantum theory after it became clear it was my only option. I could have gone through life skirting this subject successfully but it would have meant abandoning my PhD. After thankfully passing my transfer viva I resolved to learn the theory so comprehensively that I would never suffer that humiliation again. I was going to tackle my wall.
So I started reading, and everything was written in this foreign language of mathematical symbols and complicated sentences. For every paragraph I read there were three or four other meanings that I then had to look up. So then I would go and look up these related topics only to find in order to understand them I needed to research several more related topics, the breadth of the problem was crushing. (How Wikipedia has come into its own during this past year). Despite the reading no actual progress seemed to be being made it was all just a jumble in my mind, literally all these nuggets of information floating around unconnected. And how was I to know I had understood any of it correctly anyway?
So I went to seek the advice of fellow students who were following a more theoretical path than I. How to feel really dumb in under 3 minutes: ask a theoretical physicist what all this wave function thingy means, or what a Hamiltonian is (still confused despite Wiki). It all seemed so obvious to him “...well you see…” followed was well meaning, but useless explanations. He was presuming more knowledge than I had and I didn’t have the heart to disappoint him. But he seemed to find it all very simple so there was hope for me; his cranium was not significantly enlarged in comparison to mine and he seemed to belong to the same species.
Back to the reading, total immersion in the topic. At all times reading, then thinking about what I had read. Taking notes...summarising. Taking a break from one particular area and moving to another. Comparing between different authors – were they actually saying the same thing? A sea creature lived in my brain with its mass of tentacles wrapped around my brain tissue. Most of the time it would lay there dormant but when I reached a difficult part it would squeeze and my head would hurt. Perhaps the pain was due to a large reorganisation of the neurons in my brain. So much information had to be gathered and all cross referenced with existing information and with other new incoming information.
During this period of total absorption into the theory, other parts of my life went neglected. The phone rang and I felt irritated by the intrusion, email was not checked and sat and stared vacantly at the table in a restaurant with my family, there in body but my mind still with my books. Not wishing to let go of the ends of all the strings of thought that I knew meshed together somehow and scared if I started to concentrate on something else, and heaven forbid…relax…I may miss an important connection. Everywhere I looked the world was seen through a haze of theory so that I felt detached and distanced from things. But why carry on? Why keep bashing my head against the wall?
Well I had to give it a good shot before I gave up, make sure I really couldn’t do it before I walked away. In the beginning the fear of never being able to come to understand this theory or how long it would take if it was possible made me anxious. It was seeing people around me that understood these thing,s who seemed much the same as me, that gave me hope. Very important was the support and understanding of family and friends. “Oh you can do it Julia!” Part of me felt angry as their confidence in me made me feel like I would be letting both myself and them down too if I failed – oh the pressure! But a larger part of me felt reassured; ah bless, they think I can do it. Maybe they are right?
Also there was the dim recollection of facing such difficult situations before where perseverance had paid off and I had reached an understanding in the end. For instance when I entered the new environment of the university I was out of my comfort zone and I had hit a social wall. I felt ill at ease in these social situations but knew I had to persevere to become more comfortable; it was either that or hide away. Difficult social situations can feel quite painful and I was out of my depth, quite unsure of how to behave. In order to learn I would see people who looked relaxed and try to learn from them. I would watch their way of interacting, try to put myself it their shoes and understand their perceptions. Each situation then became easier and I used them to test out my newly learnt skills to make connections and new friends and to find new better ways of doing things. I felt encouraged as things went right and no enormous social faux pas were made. Now I have little anxiety when faced with a new social environment as I know I have the tools to cope and adapt.
In the same fashion there came little moments of progress in tackling my quantum physics wall when I could understand something one day that I couldn’t fathom the day before. Almost unnoticed these small advances started to be made: a paragraph read without confusion with each word of text written in a language I could understand. All those floating nuggets of information seemed to be finding homes. I visualise this as similar to the game of Tetris where the different shaped blocks have to be guided to the bottom to make layers. When a layer is made the row disappears and this is a little step forward in understanding. Of course if the layers are only part built and gaping holes are left underneath there will come a time when the structure will collapse and the holes will need to be filled before real progress can be made. The increments of progress gave me confidence, erasing enough self doubt to enable me to carry on and gradually I began to realise I may actually be able to do this. The large theoretical mallet that had been bashing my head for the past months was getting lighter and I was promising myself a holiday as soon as a chunk of progress was made.
Now lots of connections are being made daily and easily. I understand large tracts of theory and feel I am emerging from the darkness into the light of understanding! There is still much more work to do to write my thesis but my head is above water at least most of the time. I now know what it is I need to do and I don’t falter when I come up against the small walls I meet. The uncertainty of ever getting through it has been replaced with determination and a trust in my ability. This process has been a rewarding one. I am much more confident in my ability to do anything, not just research and am no longer daunted by other challenges that I may face. Gone is my fear of physics and isn’t mathematics a wonderful language? Like cycling to the top of a steep hill, on the way up it is painful and I look forward to the stop at the top, but when I get to the top I feel great – who needs to stop for a holiday now!
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